I’ve edited it, and added verse references, but it’s pretty much what I wrote to myself in April of 2012. It was 2 or 3 in the morning, and the chemotherapy pump was keeping me awake. Thought someone might need it:
Jesus said a kingdom divided against itself can’t stand (Mark 3:20-27). I know he was talking about spiritual kingdoms, and that it applies to nations, communities, and families. But it’s also about me. When I don’t agree with who God says I am, or what I’m able to do in his strength, in a sense I’m declaring war on myself, rebelling against who I am in Christ. That will show up in how I think, how I feel, and in all my relationships. Constantly judging and hating myself will show up in my physical body, too. It has.
If I’m not in conscious agreement with what Jesus thinks of me and my circumstances, then I’m probably in unconscious agreement with what the enemy thinks of me. I think that’s what James 1:8 means by “double–minded.” If I don’t secure my mind and heart in Jesus regardless of what’s going on around (or in) me, I give control to an overriding insecurity in everything I think and do.
That chapter in James says I can ask God for wisdom, which I need so much right now, but that I shouldn’t doubt when I do. I’ve always kind of hated that verse, because it seems impossible to not doubt to some degree. But I just looked it up—the word “doubt” in that verse doesn’t mean I have to be perfect before I can have wisdom. It means don’t separate or withdraw from God by disagreeing with him. Doubting means I’m focused on my problems and fears, instead of who He wants to be for me and who He says I’m becoming in his wisdom.
Jesus, help me hear you clearly. Drown out the accusations of the enemy, any lingering doubts about your love for me, and the sound of this pump. Teach me to think kindly and speak positively about myself, like you do. Show me how to live again—not just to survive and exist—but to live powerfully, wisely, and joyfully in you.
Equip Your Spirit 
Good article. You’re keeping it real. This has helped me, too. I am guilty of separating and withdrawing from God by disagreement. That is hard to admit. Why? Because I am weak but need to say I am strong, when I feel anything but strong. So I am too focused on what my problem is, rather than on my Solution and Who He IS. I am having an ‘off day’.
Typically, I have learned more in this health battle than can be imagined. It is one thing to declare victory from health and to stand…but it is another to be ill and declare from that standpoint. One of the most amazing things is discovering how I fit in the Church being ill. When all I read from people are posts that are from healthy and able-bodied people who are talking from a point in life that I use to be in, but aren’t in right now. I felt isolated and as if I did not ‘fit’. It is a weird thing to explain. But I felt as a spectator ‘watching’ from the sideline as people live life. I feel benched, so to speak, out of the game. As in saying I belong to a smaller group and I am one of those people who are ‘laying on the porch hoping ‘ that the angel’ will trouble the water’ and then hope I can get in before the other people get there. I speak from a side of scripture that once upon a time I couldn’t really relate to, but now I can. I see people from their point of need…that woman bent over who could not straighten up…I identify with the struggle and how hard it must have been for her…and can see why Jesus called her to Him, why He wanted to heal her. This condition I deal with has opened my eyes to see in ways I could not see before. I see two-thirds of Jesus’ ministry is healing the sick. Thank God. I see His compassion and know it is His will that the sick recover. Now if that is not hopeful then I don’t know what is. Author and Finisher of our faith.
May you be well and healed with all the compassion of Jesus Christ both Lord and King. God bless you today and every day.