His Voice

When it’s seemed hard to find God, it’s usually been because I’ve been looking with the wrong heart. I want Him to come to me in my fear, anger, and pain—not to change my thoughts, but to validate and fix everything around them. 

He will speak there. He’s rescued me out of those places more times than I can count. But He has to approach me more as an insecure, bitter orphan rather than as His completely loved son. Because I’m so focused on what could go wrong, rather than on who He wants to be for me in the situation, even when I do let Him get me through my circumstances, I feel weak and apprehensive, instead of becoming stronger and more confident.

When I choose to live in my negativity, I distance myself from Him, and lose my sensitivity to His voice. I start hearing others, words even more wounded, bitter, and dark than mine. I know I should be repulsed, but they make me feel justified. I never feel joy, but at least I feel a degree of self–empowerment. Everything else hurt, confused, or longing in me, I’ll just shut down. 

But it doesn’t last. Strength based in fear and bitterness never lasts, and leaves me empty. I can either dig deeper into the darkness for other temporary sources of power, or I can let go of everything that’s keeping me in this place, and ask God to take me from it. 

“Jesus, I’m numb. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by everything that it’s just easier to keep life at arm’s length and stuff my feelings down. But I’m so tired of that. I give you everything in my heart and mind—the good, the bad, and the really ugly. I don’t want You to have to shout over any other voices in my head. Heal me and make me whole. Help me to be so at peace in You that nothing can tempt me away from hearing Your quietest whisper. Replace my broken thoughts with who You want to be for me right now, and who I am in You. Show me how to see my circumstances as You do, and to deal with my life from Your joy and wisdom. I want to feel again. I receive Your love for me—let me experience it in greater ways than ever, and help me see others for who they can become in Your love, so that I can give it away to them. Amen.”