I’ve edited it, and added verse references, but it’s pretty much what I wrote to myself in April of 2012. It was 2 or 3 in the morning, and the chemotherapy pump was keeping me awake. Thought it might encourage someone:
Jesus said a kingdom divided against itself can’t stand (Mark 3:20-27). I know he was talking about spiritual kingdoms, and that it applies to nations, communities, and families. But it’s also about me. When I don’t agree with who God says I am, or what I’m able to do in his strength, in a sense I’m declaring war on myself, rebelling against who I am in Christ. That will show up in how I think, how I feel, and in all my relationships. Constantly judging and hating myself will show up in my physical body, too. It has.
If I’m not in conscious agreement with what Jesus thinks of me and my circumstances, then I’m probably in unconscious agreement with what the enemy thinks of me. I think that’s what James 1:8 means by “double–minded.” If I don’t secure my mind and heart in Jesus regardless of what’s going on around (or in) me, I give control to an overriding insecurity in everything I think and do.
That chapter in James says I can ask God for wisdom, which I need so much right now, but that I shouldn’t doubt when I do. I’ve always kind of hated that verse, because it seems impossible to not doubt to some degree. But I just looked it up—the word “doubt” in that verse doesn’t mean I have to be perfect before I can have wisdom. It means don’t separate or withdraw from God by disagreeing with him. Doubting means I’m focused on my problems and fears, instead of who he wants to be for me and who he says I’m becoming in his wisdom.
Jesus, help me hear you clearly. Drown out the accusations of the enemy, any lingering doubts about your love for me, and the sound of this pump. Teach me to think kindly and speak positively about myself, like you do. Show me how to live again—not just to survive and exist—but to live powerfully, wisely, and joyfully every day I have here.