It was two or three in the morning on a Tuesday in April of 2012. The chemotherapy pump was keeping me awake, so I wrote a few things down. I thought a little of it might encourage someone:
Jesus, you said a kingdom divided against itself can’t stand (Mark 3:20-27). I know now that’s not just about light and darkness in the world. It’s also about me. When I don’t agree with who you say I am, or what I’m able to do in your strength, I’m essentially declaring war on myself, rebelling against who I am in you. That shows up in how I think, how I feel, and in all my relationships. Constantly judging and hating myself has also shown up in my physical body.
I was reading James 1, where it says to ask you for wisdom to deal with difficult times, but not to doubt when I do. I just looked up the word “doubt” in 1:6. It doesn’t mean my faith has to be perfect before I can have wisdom. The word means to separate from you by disagreeing with what you’re saying. Doubting means I’m focused on my problems and fears, instead of on how you see me, my relationships, and my circumstances.
Jesus, please help me hear you clearly. Drown out the voices of fear and self-pity, any lingering doubts about your love for me, and the sound of this pump. Teach me to think kindly and speak positively about myself, like you do. Show me how to live again—not just to survive and exist—but to live powerfully, wisely, and joyfully every day I still have here.