A Note to My Future Self

Around two in the morning on a day in early April, 2012, the chemotherapy pump was keeping me awake, so I wrote a few things down. I thought a little of it might encourage someone:

Jesus, you said a kingdom divided against itself can’t stand. I know now that’s not just about light and darkness in the world. It’s also about me. I feel so divided between knowing you love me and feeling like I’ve failed you. I know that’s not new. I’ve struggled with judging and hating myself most of my life. It’s affected how I think, what I feel, and every relationship.

I’m reading the book of James, where it says to ask you for wisdom to deal with difficult times, but not to doubt when I do. I just looked up the word “doubt.” It doesn’t mean my faith has to be perfect before I can have wisdom, even if my old mindset says it does. Doubt means I’m separating from you by disagreeing with what you’re saying. Doubt means I’m focused on problems and my fears about them, instead of on what you’re saying about everything in my life, and who I am in you.

Jesus, please help me hear you clearly. Drown out the voices of fear and self-pity, any lingering doubts about your love for me, and the sound of this chemo pump. Teach me to think and speak positively about myself, like you do. Show me how to not just survive and exist, but to live every day I still have powerfully, wisely, and joyfully.

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