When it’s seemed hard to find God, it’s usually been because I’ve been looking with the wrong heart. I want him to come to me in my fear, anger, and pain—not to change my thoughts, but to validate them.
The more negativity I choose, the more I lose sensitivity to his voice. I start listening to voices even more wounded, bitter, and dark than mine. I know I should be repulsed, but they make my judgements of everyone I blame for what’s wrong in my life feel justified. I never feel joy, but at least I feel a degree of hateful self-empowerment.
But it doesn’t last. Strength based in fear and resentment never lasts, and leaves me utterly empty. I can either dig deeper into the darkness for other temporary sources of power, or I can let go of everything that’s keeping me in this place, and ask God to take me from it.
“Jesus, I’m numb. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by everything, it’s just easier to keep life at arm’s length and stuff my feelings down. But I’m so tired of that. I give you everything in my heart and mind—the good, the bad, and the really ugly.
Displace my dark and broken thoughts with your brilliant and healing ones. Show me how to see my life as you do, and to live it with your love, joy, and peace. Empower me to bless others as you bless me. Amen.”
“You reached down into my darkness to rescue me, taking me out of my disaster and despair. Even though I was helpless at the attacks of my hateful, strong enemy, you never left me. Your love broke me out of my horrible constraints, into a wide-open, beautiful place. You rescued me—because you delight in me” (Psalm 18:16-19, paraphrased).